The True (and Canonical) History of Palin’s Oreos

As told to Bertrem by Caramon… so we know it has to be true!

When Ulin and Linsha Majere were young children (Ulin was 8 and Linsha was 6) a plate of Oreo cookies that they had just sat down to enjoy was snatched away by Ruanall, a Knight of Takhisis bent on revenge against their father, Palin. (Palin had caught Ruanall cheating during a Talis game the night before.)

The children wept for hours, and after Palin was through yelling at his wife Usha (“Will you make them SHUT UP ALREADY?!”), he grew very sad. After all, if he still had his magic, it would very easy for him to use a Limited Wish to summon up a new plate of Oreos for his beloved children.

At that moment, he resolved to dedicate his life to rediscovering magic, putting the happiness of his family ahead of his personal desire to become the greatest promoter of Professional Elf Mud Wrestling. Although it took him many years, he did rediscover magic, and one of the first spells he created was Summon Oreos. (Needless to say, his now-grown children–Ulin was a father of two, and Linsha had become the youngest non-Solamnic woman to become a Knight of the Rose–were quite confused when the urgent summons to Solace resulted in them being presented with a plate of Oreos and two glasses of milk.)

The Spell Description

Palin’s Oreos (SAGA Rules)

Invocation: Instant (5)
Range: Artillery (5)
Duration: 30 Minutes (4)
Area: Small Room (2)
Spell Effect: Irritating, for those whose Oreos vanish (1)
Total: 17

Summoned Oreos appear on plates before the caster. All Oreos that remain unconsumed at the end of the duration return to their points of origin.

Spellcasters must be skilled in the sorcerous schools of Summoning and Confectionomancy (having Divination–to locate the Demiplane of Oreos–reduces the difficulty number by 4).

Palin’s Oreos (AD&D Rules)

Level: 2nd
Range: 1 miles radius/level
Components: V, S, M
Duration: 1 round/caster level
Casting Time: 1
Area of Effect: 10 Oreos/caster level
Saving Throw: Neg.

The casting of this spell causes Oreo cookies to be transported to the caster. The material components are a table and at least one glass of milk. All Oreos that remain unconsumed at the end of the duration return to their points of origin.

Verbal component is a rhyme: “Do you know exactly how to eat an Oreo? Well to do it, you unscrew it, VERY FAST. Cuz a kid’ll eat the middle of an Oreo first, and save the chocolate cookie outsides for last!” The somatic component requires the caster to make the motion of unscrewing an Oreo cookie and licking the cream from its sides.


Although this spell had quite benign origins, particularly twisted spellcasters soon found ways to use it to violent effects. A little-known event during the assault on the Window of the Stars saw Palin fill the Dark Knight commander’s tent with ten cubic feet of Oreos (believed to have been drawn from Malys’ private horde), trapping the officer and preventing him from ordering the capture of the Heroes of the Heart.

Originally posted on the newsgroup.

About Steve Miller

Steve Miller lives, writes, and watches way too many movies in Washington State. He started his professional writing career doing feature articles and reviews, but soon detoured into writing roleplaying games. With a little luck, he'll be balancing criticism and more creative writing in the years to come.
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