The Kender Excuse List

An excuse is a normal reflex for kender, and all of them are delivered with the utmost sincerity. Most of these are the common kender excuses.

1. “I guess it must have fallen in my pouch.”
2. “I found it.”
3. “You left it so I didn’t think you wanted it anymore.”
4. “I was just holding it for you.”
5. “Ohh! I thought you wanted me to take it.”
6. “You know this happens every time I drink that Kender Punch. Another cup please!” -Kipper Snifferdoo
7. “Someone must have put it in my pouch.”
8. “I forgot I had it.”
9. “This is yours? I had one just like it.”
10. “I was gonna give it back but you wandered off somewhere.”
11. “Oh! They’re not free?”
12. “Of course I was going to pay for it. I was just going to get some money.”
13. “It looked so old that I thought it couldn’t belong to anyone that was still alive.”
14. “It must be magical, because it just appeared in my pouch!” – Doorslam Maptaker
15. “Someone was going to steal it so I’m holding it for safekeeping.”
16. “These things wouldn’t happen if everyone would just label their possessions.”
17. “What does ‘ownership’ mean, exactly?”
18. “Just because I have it, and you didn’t know that I took it, doesn’t mean I stole it.”
19. “You SAID I could have it! Wait, I know what happened! After you said I could have it, I got sent back in a time warp, to before you said I could have it, and now you think I stole it! Wait a few days, and then you’ll realize what I mean!” – Tabbia Darkmoon
20. “I was just cleaning that for you!” – Topknot Swizlestick
21. “I wasn’t here that day!” – Topknot Swizlestick
22. “That guy there said I could have it!” – Longshott Zinfendell
23. “It must be alive! It wanted to be with the other one I have.” – Longshott Zinfendell
24. “I thought you threw it away!” – Topknot Swizlestick
25. “It’s yours, you sure I have the same thing, mine’s right here…..hmm cant seem to find it….Hey you must have stolen it from me! So I’m just taking it back!”
26. “Well if it’s yours why isn’t your name on it…”
27. “Are you trying to Frame me for stealing now, by sticking your possessions in my pockets?”
28. “You must have gotten this from someone who stole it from me. See?”
29. “Well just because you don’t take care of your possessions and they prefer being with a better handler of items don’t blame me!”
30. “Are you sure? ‘Cause I swear my Cousin’s uncle’s son gave me one just like that!”
31. “Oh yeah? Prove it!….Oh well..Uhmm, I bet you didn’t have that verified in a court of law.”
32. “Well Old One, you must have Alzheimer’s sir ’cause just one second ago you told me I could have it.”
33. “Well If it’s yours how come it’s in my pouch?”
34. “I took it from someone who stole it. I really didn’t mean to steal it. *sniff sniff* I only wanted to help. *sniff sniff*” – Koochie Fuzzbucket
35. “I only borrowed it.” – Tasslehoff Burrfoot
36. “Oh this, it’s an heirloom, been in my family for hours.” – Dragon Lord
37. Can I help it if my pouch just happened to be open when that thing fell off the table??” – Amwin Thistleknot
38. “Um, ask me about the gem tomorrow, I don’t have a good excuse right now” – Spoonhanger Kickbottom
39. “I went into your room at the inn to ask you if I could have it and when I opened the door, you screamed, “I’m NOT Decent!”, so I grabbed it and ran out the door cause I knew you’d let me have it…” – Quiby Thistleknot
40. “Who cares? He told me it’s Tasslehoff’s. End of discussion.” – Aeon Dragonfun
41. “Thief! Your trying to take my stuff!” – Aeon Dragonfun
42. “Do I look like the type that would take things without asking?” – Topknot Swizlestick
43. “After accusing me of such a thing I believe that I should get to keep this.” – Topknot Swizlestick
44. “Go ahead & call the guards. Their stuff keeps ending up in my pouches too.” – Topknot Swizlestick
45. “It was him !!!(pointing at a nearby stray dog)” – Topknot Swizlestick
46. “How dare you call them thieves’ tools!!!! I have them in case someone locks their keys in their house.!!” – Topknot Swizlestick
47. “Oh this? My Uncle Trapspringer gave it to me…” – Darkstar Killacat
48. “If you don’t believe this is mine, I can always show you my Kender Spoon of Turning…” – Darkstar Killacat
49. “It looked so unsafe on that table. I was afraid someone would steal it, so I took it to give it to you. See how responsible I am?” – Tomer Brisker
50. “If you’re saying the things in this pouch are yours then that proves I didn’t take it, because this isn’t my pouch.”
51. “I think it likes me, that’s why it jumped into my hand!” – Hoopaktwirler Tenderfoot
52. “Well, if all this stuff in this pouch is yours, someone switched our pouches because mine had much more interesting items in it! – Pantha Catscratch
53. “I didn’t do it, Fizban did it!” – Fizban the Fabulous
54. “This really isn’t my bag. It’s a shapeshifter from another universe who’s pretending to be my bag so he can keep my bag for safekeeping, and since he’s with me, I still kinda have my bag, but it’s not him.” – Darkstar Killacat
55. “But it *is* mine!!! You put it there, remember?” – Darkstar Killacat
56. “You wouldn’t deprave an innocent kender of a birthday gift, would you? Happy birthday to me…” – Darkstar Killacat
57. “You mean to tell me, the one WITH the bag still, that it wasn’t there before? How did you know it wasn’t there unless you took it first from my bag and then put it back because you felt bad?” – Darkstar Killacat
58. I have this evil brother who looks exactly like me who loves casting spells (did I mention he’s a wizard?) that make replicas of other peoples objects out of thin air and putting them in my pouches. – Lyn Swiftfoot
59. This isn’t your pouch it’s a weird deformity I’ve had since birth. Through the miracle of modern healing I can remove it from my body and store coins in it. – Lyn Swiftfoot
60. This isn’t your pouch, it’s my best friend. He was changed into a purse by an evil witch who didn…hey! That’s a neat sword! A closer look? Yes please!
61. See this hand? It is mine. See these things? They are mine. – Lyn Swiftfoot
62. No! Keep back! This is no ordinary pouch! It’s a were-pouch! It leapt on me and tried to rip out my throat but he didn’t count on the Kender Spoon of Turning! Quick! Run! Save yourself, don’t worry about me! I’ll buy you time! Evacuate Palanthas! – Lyn Swiftfoot
63. “You didn’t say I couldn’t have it.” – Korgos Grasssprinter
64. “The gods told me to do it!” – Korgos Grasssprinter
65. “This can’t be yours because it’s cursed and I can’t get it off my hand, see?” *Accidentally drops item* – Korgos Grasssprinter
66. “I thought it was my birthday present.” – Korgos Grasssprinter
67. “What a coincidence! You have one too!” – Korgos Grasssprinter
68. “This is YOURS?? Oh, well, you can keep it, I don’t like carrying magic items around…too many people try to steal ’em. Whaddya mean it’s not magical???? How else could it have gotten into my pouch??” – Kipper Snoodlefoot
69. “Oh this? I STOLE IT!!” – Zephram Bristlyknickers – (Kender Thief)
70. “It was given to me by a giant dimension walking burrito. He (or was it she?) told me to take care of it because one of my friends might need it one day.” – Ignatius Max
71. “Just because I’m a Kender, you say I’m a thief! I can’t help it if my pouch is cursed and it eats your items. So Pardon Me!!! But you can’t get it back, because the bag will eat me!!!” – The Eternal Dragon
72. “Your PANTS? How could I steal your pants? Who cares if I have them, you need to shape up a little!” – Juniper Berrybane
73. “Ummm, he did it. (Points off in a random direction.)” – Juniper Berrybane
74. “Ummm, What purse?” – Juniper Berrybane
75. “How dare you? (slap their face and run like mad.)” – Juniper Berrybane
76. “(Especially to big, burly men) Why, I’d never take this from you! I don’t take things from little girls!” – Juniper Berrybane
77. “Ha! Fancy me not believing that mage when he said that pouch was magnetic.” – Bramble Moonwillow
78. “Oh, I used to wonder about that too, but this gnome explained it to me. You see, reality can’t remain static (I s’pose if it did we’d all get shocked an awful lot), so it’s constantly rearranging itself, switching things around, like, for instance, putting your stuff in my pouch. So you see, I didn’t take it, it’s just the natural order of the universe.” – Bramble Moonwillow
79. “I don’t need an excuse- I didn’t take anything!” – Bramble Moonwillow

Excuses for “finding” spellbooks

80. “I thought it was Tika’s cookbook” – Pulpette
81. “I thought it was Fizban’s diary. He mentions me a lot, you know.” – Pulpette
82. “I thought it was Raistlin’s book “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” – Pulpette
83. “I thought it was Raistlin’s book “How NOT to Attain God Status.” – Pulpette
84. “I thought it was Caramon’s bartending recipes.” – Pulpette
85. “I thought it was a gnome repair manual.” – Pulpette
86. “Oops! I was only looking for a raisin bun.” – Pulpette
87. “I thought it was Caramon’s diet plan.” – Pulpette
88. “I was holding this for my niece- it’s what she cuts her teeth on!” – Darkstar Killacat
89. “I was going to help you read it while you slept. Let me find my special glasses of seeing so I can look at that a little more closely…” – Darkstar Killacat
90. “Spellbook? Oh, I thought it was a slab of chocolate cake. Now wait a minute! How can you be sure these are your glasses? You can’t see without you’re spectacles! Can’t find them? Here borrow my pair. Oh it’s alright, I’ll accept these spoons as payment. No, no. No need to thank me.” – Lyn Swiftfoot
91. “I thought since the writing was not in common you couldn’t read it and didn’t want it.” – Korgos Grasssprinter
92. “I thought it was one of Raistlin’s cursed spellbooks and I didn’t want you to get hurt by it.” – Korgos Grasssprinter
93. “Spellbook? Oh yeah, these can be very dangerous so I kept it where you couldn’t hurt yourself.” – Korgos Grasssprinter
94. “Oh, this? I thought it was Raistlin’s book, ‘101 Ways to the Perfect Tan’!” – Canora Thistleroot

Excuses for “finding” rings.

95. “My, it must have slipped itself on while I wasn’t looking.”
96. “Is that what that thing on my finger is???”
97. “Well, goodness, if it fits me, it couldn’t be yours!”
98. “Well, you said I could look at it, and apparently I put it back on my hand ’cause I thought it was your hand.” – Spoonhanger Kickbottom
99. “If this is your ring, and its on this hand *holds up her hand with the woman’s ring on it* then this must be your hand. Now tell me miss, what business do you have going around attaching your hands to other people’s arms? And where is my hand? Thief, Thief! She stole my hand!” – Leyanese
100. “You’ve heard of snake charmers? I am a ring charmer. The price for charming that ring is that wonderful hat you have. Excuse me, but could you remove that spear from my chest? It’s beginning to smart.” – Lyn Swiftfoot
101. “But how could your father’s ring, just fly out from under your shirt and into my pouch? He must a gave it to me to give to you, ’cause you lost it. He knew I would keep it safe. Here you go. Now don’t lose it again.” – Isnala

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One Comment

  1. This is fantastic.

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