NOTE: for best effect, every time quotation marks are used, imagine someone holding up both hands and waving the index and middle finger up then down once in the “quotation hand signal”.
I’d heard some strange rumors that some people actually have the ludicrous idea that there is a crazy old wizard named “Fizban”, was in actuality the God Paladine! I decided to set out to find out the truth behind this dark character named “Fizban” and expose him for the imposter that he is.
Although I’ve been unable to locate this “Fizban”, after a great deal of time, effort, and money, I’ve located a longtime companion of
“Fizban’s”, an ancient gold dragon named “Pyrite.” I found the dragon napping in the spring sunlight of the Abanasinian Plains, belly up with his claws twitching slightly. The sun reflected off of “Pyrite’s” golden belly, bathing the area in a heavenly, golden light.
The following is a transcript of my conversation with “Pyrite,” such as it was.
I = Me, your humble reporter.
P = Pyrite
I: Excuse me, Pyrite! Wake up!
I: Pyrite! WAKE UP!
P: *cough* *snore….*
(At this point a single golden eye opened and focused on me.>
P: Have you not heard the maxim ‘Let sleeping dragons lie’?
P: Important enough to bother me on this wonderful spring morning?
I: This is very important, I was wondering if you could help…
P: Do you have any idea how rare spring mornings like this are?
P: Do you have any idea of how few wonderful spring mornings like this I’ve seen?
I: Actually, I’d imagine you’ve seen quite a few.
P: Would you, now?
I: Yes, you are a quite an ancient dragon, and you’ve most likely seen hundreds, if not thousands of mornings just like this.
P: Just so.
(Pyrite rolls over, almost burying me beneath him)
P: Ask your questions and let me go back to sleep.
I: Do you know a wizard named Fizban?
P: You interrupted my nap, just to ask about Fizban? Are you crazy?
I: Of course I’m not crazy!
P: Then you must be stupid. I… use… smaaall… words.
I: Grrrr…. I’m simply trying to find out exactly who or what this “Fizban” is?
P: Fizban? Well, Fizban is Fizban! You really are dumb, aren’t you?
I: So what is “Fizban”??
P: Well, Fizban is a wizard, and a bad one at that. He only seems to be able to remember one spell…
I: Is that all you know about Fizban?
(The dragon moves his head closer to me, and whispers….)
P: Can I trust you?
I: Of course!
P: I don’t think he’s washed that robe in a decade! Have you smelled him recently? Worse than a whole clan of plastered gully dwarves! Who-hoo! Trust me that thing reeks!
I: Thank you, Pyrite.
P: You are very welcome. Forewarned is… well… forewarned.
I: Tell me just one thing: Is Fizban Paladine?
(Pyrite looked at me like I said that that he was a white rabbit, rolled over on his back, and began laughing hysterically, again almost killing me.)
P: Fizban.. Hahahahahahahaah… Paladine…ahahahahahahahaha!! You’re kidding right? Fizban couldn’t tell Paladine from Palanthas! You may be stupid, but you are very funny guy!
I: Grrr… Thanks.
P: Fizban…is… Pala… hehe… dine! Hahahahahahahahah!!!!!!
I: So you are saying Fizban is not Paladine?
I: Please calm down Pyrite!
P: Oh! Oh! I know, I’m an arthritic lemming! Hahhahahaahahahahahah!
I: You are sure that Fizban is not Paladine? Then why does he claim to be Paladine?
P: He’s senile! Delusions of grandeur! Maybe he got drunk, and doesn’t want to admit it all was a dream he found at the bottom of the bottle! You know impersonating a god should be a punishable offence. Maybe they can get him to clean that nasty old robe of his…
I: So Fizban is just human like the rest of us. Boy, is he in trouble!
(Pyrite looked at me, and his eyes steeled over.)
P: Did you say Sir Huma was in trouble? What are you doing here conversing, if Sir Huma is in trouble?! Have you called the Knights?
I: Huma, what you talking about? Huma’s dead!
P: Sir Huma has died? This is a sad day, but I will avenge him!
(He looked down at me and moved a claw closer to where I stood.)
P: You had nothing to do with it, I hope…
I: Of course not!! Huma was killed in those mountains over there.
P: There, those mountains?
I: Yes, those mountains!
Originally posted on the alt.fan.dragonlance newsgroup on March 28, 1996.