(A parody of ‘Gangsta’s Paradise’ [with apologies to Coolio] and ‘Amish Paradise’ [with apologies to Weird Al Yankovic])
As I walk through the mountain where I follow my thane
I take a look at my wife, and realize her beard’s very plain
But that’s just perfect for a Dwarvish like me
You know I shun fancy things, like sorcery.
At 4:30 in the morning I’m mining stones
Jonas Steelforge mends the weapons
And Thorin groans…Fool!
And I’ve been groaning and stoning so long that
Even Obsidian thinks that me mind be gone.
I’m a Dwarf of the stones, I’m into discipline.
Got a hammer in me hand and a beard on me chin.
But if I finish my deeds and you finish the mine,
Then tonight we’re going to party like its P.C. 99.
We be spending most our lives
Living in a Dwarvish Paradise.
Bashed Goblins once or twice
Living in a Dwarvish Paradise.
It’s hard work and sacrifice
Living in a Dwarvish Paradise.
We sell gems at discount price
Living in a Dwarvish Paradise.
A Kender boy picked all of me pockets last week.
I just scowled at him, and pushed him in a creek.
I really don’t care. Too bad it’s not a well.
And I’ll be laughing my head off when he’s rotting in jail.
But I ain’t never punched a wizard, even if he deserved it.
A Dwarvish with a ‘tude, you know that’s unheard of.
I always wear armor, and I’ve got a cool flail,
And me homies agree,
I really look good in scale…Fool!
If you come to visit, we be drinkin’ beers.
We haven’t had a sip of water in over 300 years.
But we ain’t really saints,
So please don’t point and stare.
We’re just sociologically impaired.
There’s no Gnomes, no Elves, no Minotaurs.
Not a hint of sorcery.
Like Kharas with his Hammer
We’re as honorable as can be.
We be spending most our lives
Living in a Dwarvish Paradise.
We’re just short and stubby guys
Living in a Dwarvish Paradise.
Giving out some bad advice
Living in a Dwarvish Paradise.
We like to fight, we don’t play nice
Living in a Dwarvish Paradise.
Mining out the mountain, polished my gem cutter.
Raised a fort on Monday, soon I’ll raise anutter.
Think you’re really grumpy,
Mining with your cart?
Well I know I’m a million times
As stubborn as thou art.
I’m the stocky guy all the Gullies want to be like
In the caves day and night
Killin’ Goblins with a butter knife.
So grab some gems, and make them shiny,
Or else my clansman I might have to get medieval on your heinie!
We be spending most our lives
Living in a Dwarvish Paradise.
We were made by rolling dice
Living in a Dwarvish Paradise.
Dwarf spirits are our vice
Living in a Dwarvish Paradise.
But you’d probably think it bites
Living in a Dwarvish Paradise.
Author’s Note: I submitted this to Dragon Magazine back in the AD&D 2e days, but was told that the original song wasn’t well-known enough to allow this to be published.
-TW
